The Ticker

Thursday Night Game

2009-11-19T15:33:00.001-05:00

CAROLINA (-3) over Miami: I'll be honest - I don't really understand the Panthers. I don't know if anyone does.

What's that smell?

2009-11-06T00:22:00.003-05:00

Tommy is on the road, has cougars on his mind, and went 2-11 last week. That's the unmistakable stench of a cheap cigarette, dollar-store perfume, and a glass of Early Times or Ol' Granddad on the rocks...in other words, the stench of a cougar...who works a street corner.How else do you explain a 2-11 week? The number and alcohol content of the drinks that lead to such an evening...and the

The Ticker: Starting on the Road

2009-10-31T04:10:00.002-05:00

I'm traveling for the next few weeks, so these are simple:Broncos (+3) over RavensBrowns (+13) over BearsTexans (-3.5) over BillsPackers (+3) over FalconsColts (-13) over NinersJets (-3.5) over FinsLions (-4) over Rams (how did anyone even attempt to set this line?)Cowboys (-9.5) over SeaducksChargers (-16.5 ?!?!?) over RaidersJags (+3) over TitansCardinals (-10) over PanthersGiants (-1) over

The Ticker: Week 7 - Cougar Attack!

2009-10-24T12:52:00.002-05:00

Every now and then I dip into the college realm just for fun. This week? The Big Ten!(Keep reading. Please? I promise the entire conference isn’t as crappy as you think. I’ll keep it focused to one really bad quarterback and one leading team.)Particularly in the wake of the loss to Purdue last week, the radio waves in Columbus were deluged with calls for Terrelle Pryor to be moved to receiver,

Was Katelynn Saying "Booo" or "Booo-urns?"

2009-10-19T23:46:00.003-05:00

TT: Hey babbling gump, are they booing me?BG: No, they're saying 'Boo-urns, Boo-urns.'TT: Are you saying 'Boo' or 'Boo-urns.'Hans Moleman: I was saying "Boo-urns."The rest of us (including one commenter) are booing yet another pathetic week of picks from Mr. Tearass, who went 6-8 this week. Let's start where Tommy did--with tonight's game:CHARGERS (-3.5) over Broncos.The difference in this game

Tommy Jekyll, Tearass Hyde, and 0-6: The Sum of Tennessee's Fears

2009-10-19T02:38:00.006-05:00

Before we pass final judgment on this week, knowing that, at best, Tommy can go 7-7, I just want to quote two things:Rams (+9.5) over JAGUARS: "If you have real guts, take the Rams +380 to get off the schneid."Almost prescient advice--it makes me think that sometimes your instincts are good.Titans (+9) over PATRIOTS: "I don’t think the Pats can lose this game, but I think the weather might make

The Ticker: Week 6 - Leaving the Radio Flyer

2009-10-16T12:12:00.003-05:00

I’m thinking about bailing from the Broncos bandwagon. As someone who had to listen to “You were right about the Pats. They are the best team ever. But you still lost the bet!” after The Helmet Catch, sometimes you make a pick you don’t believe in and it pays off, but you know in your heart that you got lucky. Last Sunday, I got lucky with Kyle Orton and co. In a week

Mediocre is as .500 Does

2009-10-15T23:47:00.002-05:00

First off--have you tried a Hass avacodo Tommy?Because I'm pretty sure your heart is going to wish you had in about 30 years. (Don't worry, I'm only giving myself 24.)My LCS picks: Angels in 6, Phillies in 5. And can we get an independent scorekeeper's ruling? I had Tommy at 5-9 last week--he had himself at 6-8. The record must be set straight!The mediocre stayed painfully mediocre this week

The Ticker: Week 5 - Beisbol?

2009-10-08T15:34:00.000-05:00

Hey, the baseball playoffs are back! About the only good thing I have to say about that is that this year I’m less likely to end up screaming into a telephone that I hate one of my friends. I’d spend more time detailing the demise of the Cubs, but at this point talking about the Cubs’ season is like kicking your dog. Right after it saved your infant child’s life at risk to

Regression to the Mean

2009-10-08T07:14:00.006-05:00

Sorry about last week--I wasn't dodging Tommy's blind-luck, stab-in-the-dark, never-will-be-replicated-again-this-season, 11-5 record. I was overwhelmed with the two tiers of volunteer work that I've taken on...especially coaching three novice policy debate teams and a varsity team.You haven't lived until you've stayed up until 5am writing responses to the ever-so-dangerous (at least more

The Ticker: Week 4 - Facing Facts

2009-10-02T15:32:00.002-05:00

(Disclaimer: When I started writing this, Simmons’ column – which does the same thing – wasn’t up yet. I promise. Dammit.) Week 4 starts the bye weeks . . . apparently BG decided to take his early. Wimp. Let me sum up what happened in Week 3 for you: I did better, and would have gone 12-4 if Jake Go-Home hadn’t tossed that pick six to Terence Newman. Which was par for my

The Ticker: Week 3 (Hair of the Dog)

2009-09-24T19:53:00.003-05:00

Week 2 reminded me of some of my less-endearing social performances: there are a few troubling signs at first, like when all of a sudden you notice that your first four beers have gone down faster than the waitress could bring them (or, in this case, Chris Johnson having 28 fantasy points after the first quarter and discovering the Texans were still in the game); then a

Week 2: It counts as much as 1, and 3-17

2009-09-22T18:09:00.006-05:00

I hear you're traveling the West Coast Tommy--that's good because Vegas doesn't have far to go when it's debt collectors come to take every last shirt you own off your back. It also should be warm enough that you'll still be comfortable without a shirt, but your chances of finding a girl might now be less than the Lions winning a game. And by that, I mean an even more negative number.Of course-

The Ticker: Week 2

2009-09-18T15:19:00.002-05:00

Quick hit from the road this week. As much of a disaster as that Patriots game was, it wasn’t an unmitigated disaster – I still won one of my two confidence pools because the Patriots pulled it out. Sadly, the Babbling Gump that we gave column space to here correctly anticipated my trends, but that’s what Week 2 is for, right? In anticipation of Week 2, here’s something

That Deaf Dumb and Blind Kid Sure Picks a Good Football

2009-09-15T13:19:00.006-05:00

Tommy: Can you hear me? Can you feel me...?Can you read me?As much as I may think you're deaf, dumb, and blind at times--I know the answer to all three of those questions is "yes." But when the year's over, I hope my exacting reviews leave you wishing you were a pinball--instead of wannabe football pickem--wizard.Besides, a pinball wizard has such a supple wrist--something I've heard that you

New Contributor

2009-09-15T10:05:00.002-05:00

There likely will be a post later today regarding my take on the weekend, possibly with fantasy updates.This season we're also debuting a new feature, in which a contributor revisits my picks in an attempt to mock them. I suppose I should be honored that a man too lazy to write for his own blog will take the time to contribute to us here at the Ticker . . . but let's just say I have low

Sidebar

2009-09-11T17:10:00.002-05:00

For some reason, this anniversary of 9/11 somehow seemed to matter in a larger way for me than those in years past. I'm not sure why, although I suspect that recently doing a thirty-something hour tour in New York might have something to do with it. Maybe it's just that I'm traveling, in general, and decided that I didn't want to take a plane from New York to LA on 9/11 and actually planned part

FOOTBALL - The Ticker Returns!

2009-09-09T16:24:00.000-05:00

There are few things in life that make me as happy as last weekend, for the return of college football always means pro football is coming soon. Best of all, because it’s football, certain friends (Hooch) feel the need to scratch the gambling itch and get themselves back into form. Even better, they are notoriously bad at predicting what college kids will do, and

Sunday Overload

2009-05-17T11:13:00.002-05:00

It's not often that I'm sad to be going to a Cubs game, but today comes close to pushing that barrier. Here's why:Astros @ Cubs: 1:20pm.Blackhawks @ Red Wings (Game 1): 2pm.Rockets @ Lakers (Game 7): 2:30pm.Magic @ Celtics (Game 7): 7pm.And all afternoon ESPN is waving the white flag with bowling, last year's trick shot championship, timber sports, last year's world's strongest man competition,

Okay.

2009-05-15T09:11:00.001-05:00

Now Manny is a dirty cheat.

Trust Me

2009-05-11T08:43:00.003-05:00

There are a lot of things not to miss in life, things that usually we don't bother worrying about.If you want to see something cool, turn on the pregame coverage of Canucks/Blackhawks at 8pm (Central) tonight. Blackhawks' fans have a couple of traditions that rival anything you will see from any franchise, and the National Anthem is one of them - Versus showed it last Thursday when they had

Thought on the Simmons campaign

2009-05-09T09:23:00.004-05:00

Was reading part of Bill Simmons's campaign for the T-Wolves GM job at SLAMOnline, in a comment to which someone pointed out that the T-Wolves get the publicity Simmons is promising already, just by him having this campaign, so they can reap the benefits of it without talking to him. But I think the argument is lacking, which is what the post below (also posted as a comment to the Q&A with

Until further notice

2009-05-08T12:47:00.003-05:00

I'm standing by my stance on Ramirez. Sure, there are bad reasons for why someone would take what he took. There are also some legitimate reasons, like an increase in sperm count.I'm not saying I'm right. Just that the explosion of outrage on these here interwebs is contrived, more than mildly annoying, and another symptom of what happens when people's jobs are tied to page views and getting the

The "Right" Way

2009-05-07T11:53:00.002-05:00

Disclaimer: Yes, I hate the Dodgers. The stadium is ugly, the fans are lackluster (in fact, half of them just clicked over to see if anything had happened with Kobe), and I once got badly sunburned there. That said,I would like to congratulate Manny Ramirez. Sure, he led the charge to dismantle the Cubs, and just today has been revealed to have failed a PED test, leading to a fifty-game

Thank God for the Yankees

2009-04-29T19:31:00.002-05:00

Between them having to lower ticket prices to get fans to come, getting swept in Boston while letting someone steal home, and being one of the few teams with a worse ERA than the Cubs, I almost need them around.When your supposed closer of the future faces five batters, and the only out he records is on a sacrifice bunt, and no one on the opposing team has to hit because he walks the other four,

The only serious thing I hope to ever post here

2009-04-10T12:33:00.002-05:00

The problem with ignoring your blog is that it generally implies a certain level of what I like to think of as "cool kid" disaffection, but which is probably more readily (and accurately) classified as laziness. This laziness generally extends to not wanting to start another blog that no one has a url or rss feed for just in case you ever post something serious and not, you know, sports

Jay Cutler, Chicago Bear

2009-04-03T07:40:00.002-05:00

Permit me a few moments of more blatant homer-ism.Yesterday, the Chicago Bears sent Kyle Orton, this year's first round draft pick, this year's third round draft pick, and next year's first round draft pick to Denver in exchange for Jay Cutler and an extra fifth-round draft pick this year. Then they signed Orlando Pace to play left tackle.I initially found out about Cutler because my sister

Al Davis, where hast thou lost thine sense?

2008-11-11T22:58:00.002-05:00

When the dust settles from Al the Pal's most recent decision - taking play-calling responsibility away from Greg Knapp, the man he forced Lane Kiffin to share that responsibility with after Week 3 - the only question left over has to be, "Will anyone ever work for this man again?"I mean, really? Between the world's scariest presser and the absolute lack of connection between the General Partner

Added Proof

2008-10-04T09:17:00.002-05:00

Things are worse right now if you are an Angels fan than if you're a Cubs fan.Both Cubs games have been, uh, decided quickly and then we have been left to rot for 6 innings.What happened last night to the Angels would be way worse. You break their closer, you bring in your history-making closer, and then you lose to J.D. Drew. And as the home team, that means the extra half-inning of agony hoping

Do not pass "Panic," do not collect $200

2008-10-03T14:05:00.002-05:00

As I've spent the last 36 hours enduring taunting text messages from various friends (including, strangely, the fan of a team that finished four games out of the wild card), one of the ones that stuck out came before Game 2. It asked, simply, if I was panicking yet.As long-time readers know, I hold on a little too tight sometimes, particularly with my Cubbies. Blessing and a curse, but also about

The Tearass Ticker, Volume VI, Issue 2

2008-09-16T13:22:00.002-05:00

Fire Andy Reid.After listening to more people than I care to defend the Eagles last night, it needs to be said. Fire the man non-sports watchers can't differentiate from Mike Holmgren and Craig Stadler.I'm well aware that the Philly/Dallas game turned on a couple plays that are hard to pin on Reid. The McNabb fumbles are not technically Andy's fault. Unless the rest of the world has decided that,

The Tearass Ticker, Volume VI Issue 1

2008-09-09T00:33:00.001-05:00

I’m relatively sure the riots moving closer and closer to Lane Kiffin’s house are going to be a near weekly event. I’m taking the under on whatever date you want to set for DeAngelo Hall getting the living crap kicked out of him by someone wearing a Raiders jersey. I won’t guarantee that jersey-wearing vigilante will actually be on the team, but I have to believe the denizens of the Black Hole

The NBA Finals

2008-06-15T04:12:00.002-05:00

Right after game one, I sent two of the people I know to rank right up there for "biggest Lakers fans without the power or stupidity to waste their money getting seats" to ask their thoughts on the series. One predicted a 5 game Lakers victory, the other said Lakers in 6. Now that we've seen the Lakers lose what had to be a certain victory, I think it's time to evalute it. And here's what I can

New year, new 'tude

2008-05-21T14:08:00.002-05:00

So the editor has been on leave for the last couple months, which is why I haven't been posting. Seriously, one day he left for coffee, and he never came back. If I hadn't had bosses who did the same thing for days at a time once, I might not have held out hope for so long.But it's a new year now. The NFL draft has come and gone. The Cubs are not playing terribly (although they are 0-4 when I go

Foo-koo-DOH-mae

2007-12-15T17:21:00.001-05:00

"Fukudome helped Japan win the gold medal at the 2006 World Baseball Classic. He hit .182, but two of his four hits were home runs, including a pinch-hit two-run shot off Byung-Hyun Kim in the semifinals against Korea. Fukudome also was a member of the Japanese Olympic Baseball teams that won silver in 1996 and bronze in 2004."Look, there's no end to the jokes that are going to be made about this

Favorite moment of the weekend

2007-12-09T16:54:00.000-05:00

Granted, there hasn't been a lot to compare to, given that I've been on lockdown for finals all weekend, but let's just say I think this might rank up there on a normal weekend.Right after Brady looked him off to throw the first touchdown pass to Moss, Anthony Smith (he of the oh-so-stupid guarantee) was seen responding to Brady telling him what he did wrong (following Brady's eyes away from the

Let me help you with your bracket

2007-12-01T17:54:00.000-05:00

Come the third week of March, when I'm sitting in a library somewhere pouring over four hundred pages of notes and dreaming of basketball and the outside world, you'll want to find this mini-column again. The team you're looking for is named Davidson. Look for them in the seeds marked 13-15. Then, circle them to the Elite 8. Here's the reason - this team plays the big boys, even though they

Ticker Update

2007-11-27T17:22:00.001-05:00

We'd like to thank everyone for all of their patience with my utter and total negligence. If you're still checking this, that is. Anyway . . . ugly weekend of games. Usually when your QB has an 85% completion percentage, you don't worry about making up 2 points, but I was definitely concerned that 30 points from the Minny defense wasn't going to be enough to beat Jimmy after that crapfest called

The Tearass Ticker, Volume V, Issue XIII

2007-11-02T14:38:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume VIssue XIIIA few details before we get to Armageddon . . .First, I apologize to everyone that I’ve been, uh, derelict in my duties in trying to get this thing written and published. Suffice to say it’s been a busy couple weeks. Hopefully none of you monkeys who rely on the column for your weekend talking points have been too badly beaten as a result. As penance, I give

The Tearass Ticker, Volume V, Issue XII

2007-10-26T11:29:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume VIssue XIIThe time I would normally devote to writing this is about to be consumed by a trip to the cell phone store to replace the phone that crapped out on me (side note: this will probably mean that most of you should send me an e-mail to rebuild my contact list).Here are your picks:St. Louis (+3) over Cleveland.Detroit (+5) over ChicagoIndianapolis (-7) over

The Tearass Ticker, Volume V, Issue XI

2007-10-21T12:48:00.001-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume VIssue XIYeah, yeah, yeah. I missed an article. Maybe two. Suck it up – it was for a good cause.Plus, any of you who still care should have been scared – I’d have gone 10-3 (at least) had I taken the time to write down my picks, and that would have threatened to bring me back within the range of .500 and about to go on a massive run. Which I still intend to do – I’m just

The Tearass Ticker, Volume V, Issue X

2007-10-09T20:33:00.001-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume VIssue XI’m not going to lie – this is late and brief because I had to take the redeye in from Seattle last night, and the two hour time difference pretty much ate the time I would have devoted to you morons.I will say this, though: o, ye watchers of football, be glad and rejoice! The Green Bay-Dallas game is on a Thursday night, which means it will be handled by the NFL

The Tearass Ticker, Volume V, Issue IX

2007-10-05T10:34:00.001-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume VIssue IXI’m likely doing that, because if I have to listen to another idiot sportscaster or radio talking head bring up whether or not Lou made the right decision in pulling Zambrano after 6 innings on Wednesday night, the next issue of the Ticker may be delayed until after my arraignment.Maybe the rest of the world has forgotten what happened in 2003, but let me remind

The Tearass Ticker, Volume V, Issue VIII

2007-10-02T22:48:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume VIssue VIIIMan, what the hell was that?There are about four million people in various places around America today trying to figure out the answer to that question in relation to at least one, if not all, of the sports teams they support.You could start in Houston, where UT grads looking to drown their sorrows after the whupping K-State dropped on the ‘Horns found them

The Tearass Ticker, Volume V, Issue VII

2007-09-29T17:49:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume VIssue VIIWell, it’s been a hellacious week, and I want to get this posted so you can read it and wonder what the hell I was thinking when I made my picks. Also, I’m going to make all my picks for the fantasy leagues simply by looking at the “League Overview” page, and without examining a single matchup. So I’m going to guess based on your previous scores who I think you

Ticker Delayed

2007-09-27T14:54:00.000-05:00

Due to a family matter, the Ticker will be delayed, likely as much as til Saturday or Sunday morning.Thanks.- TT

The Tearass Ticker, Volume V, Issue VI

2007-09-25T00:25:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume VIssue VIMonopolies, as you may well know, are not smiled upon in this country. In fact, they’ve been outlawed fairly clearly since the late nineteenth century. Something called the Sherman Act.I’m sure most of you are curious as to why I’m giving you an introduction to an Antitrust course, given how this column tends to focus on things of, um, well, let’s just call them

The Tearass Ticker, Volume V, Issue V

2007-09-20T23:53:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume VIssue VList of topics bandied about and discarded for this week’s Ticker:1) Red Sox clin . . . Yanks surg . . . Why we hate the AL East2) Floyd Landis bann . . . Cycling: sport or competitive activity3) Demetrius Jones: Wronged or D-ba . . . ND Drama4) Gitmo Screwu . . . National Security5) Being Ben Wa . . . Childhood, Neverending6) I hate Milwauk . . . Brewers suck7)

The Tearass Ticker, Volume V, Issue IV

2007-09-17T23:10:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume VIssue IVThis edition of the Ticker comes to you from an undisclosed location where I have taken vows and am devoting time to praying no one is coming to break my knees after this last weekend. On the plus side, I am fairly confident I will bear no financial responsibility for children 1-10 of this lifetime; if someone can just get me Travis Henry’s contact list, I

Addendum

2007-09-14T19:47:00.000-05:00

I forgot to write more on Charlie Frye.Why would you give up something for him? Why not just wait for him to hit the wire?Oh, poor, poor people of Seattle.

The Tearass Ticker, Volume V, Issue III

2007-09-14T19:38:00.001-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume VIssue IIIThe whole “Pats using a camera” thing has been beat to death, so I’m just going to give it a pass and say this: they were going to beat the Jets very badly regardless; the camera didn’t aid them because they were stopped in the first quarter; and Eric Mangini obviously gets his scripts written by the people working for WWE.That said, the lines this week are so

The Tearass Ticker, Volume V, Issue II

2007-09-11T12:08:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume VIssue IIWith one week (well, almost – technically, I’m starting this before San Francisco has started beating Arizona) in the books, let’s see what 10 things we’ve learned:10) Joey Harrington didn’t suffer from a bad system. He just happens to be horrible. And with that said, he still outthrew Tarvaris Jackson. And was sacked six times for 30 yards. Also, Peterson is

The Tearass Ticker, Volume V, Issue I

2007-09-07T07:45:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume VIssue ICrank up your engines, ladies and gentlemen (emphasis on the ladies, because most of the people who read this either qualify for the term or have so thoroughly earned my enmity that I refuse to acknowledge them) – FOOTBALL IS BACK (the Giants fans and Tiki Barber have requested you don't tell Elisha).Which, of course, means another year of me mocking the

2007 Sig Ma Cheesy Draft Lottery

2007-08-21T21:30:00.000-05:00

Stick to Soccer, Europe

2007-08-21T16:32:00.000-05:00

And in case you want to know why I say that:Europeans suck at baseball.And while it will update once it goes final ... I turned off the Netherlands/Venezuela game after 2 innings, when the Venezuelans had scored 18 runs and hit 5 home runs.

Zambrano Inks Deal, Pen Found in Hendry's Eye

2007-08-17T12:05:00.000-05:00

Look at the following numbers:9-2, 1.40 ERA (June 6 - July 31)5-7, 5.9 ERA (rest of season)Apparently, that's all you need to do to get the Cubs to give you 18 million a year.This 5 year contract extension better be the rough equivalent of him punching Barrett in the face. I think the Cubs should randomly trade someone Zambrano doesn't like (Michael Wuertz, maybe?) just to be safe.Well, to be

Why Vick Has to Fight

2007-08-14T14:47:00.001-05:00

News came down yesterday that Michael Vick's two remaining co-defendants, Tweedledum and Tweedledummer, have set up a meeting to change their pleas and cooperate with the government in its case against Michael Vick.Translation: Instead of 3 potentially guilty guys versus their buddy Tweedledee, now it's all the Tweedles versus Michael Vick.The common thought would be that Vick should cop a plea,

Cue Nelson: Haw-haw!

2007-08-08T16:25:00.000-05:00

Last night, the Milwaukee Brewers were beat by a pitcher with a broken leg. I should want to maim myself over the whole "Soria-No" debacle and the fact the Cubs plated only 1 run when they had 'em loaded with no outs (and without a double play, no less) en route to their third straight loss . . . but instead I'm sitting here giggling over what may be my favorite sports story of the week.

Super Bowl Edition

2007-02-02T12:40:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVSuper Bowl Issue Welcome back. I know I’ve been silent the entire playoffs, and there’s a good reason: I don’t want to jinx this whole thing. Of late, however, I’ve been getting a lot of requests for a Super Bowl prediction, mostly from people who lost a lot of money gambling early this year who have absolutely no idea what to do with the 7 point line the

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 25

2006-12-24T02:48:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XXVAmong the 4,000 columns I didn’t write this week: why Simmons can be an idiot at many times; why I hate Peyton Manning, that worthless P.O.S.; how come Tank Johnson deserves to be cut; anything and everything involving my on-going hatred for Skip Bayless (and yes, I do expect to one day speak at his funeral, lamenting my early transgressions); how come the

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 24

2006-12-14T17:42:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XXIV And now, live from my couch where I’m lazily watching a replay of last night’s game between the Bulls and the Pacers (because what says “lazy” better than “didn’t bother to remember to watch the game the first time around so now my unemployed self is devoting an afternoon to it because I don’t want to get off the couch or change the channel”) . .

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 23

2006-12-10T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XXIII So that super-issue I promised my e-mail subscribers earlier this week got kind of eaten by a super-evening and super-lazy Saturday. On the plus side . . . this time my feet weren’t bleeding. All of which brings us to this week, and me trying to get this out in the next fifty minutes before kickoff for the majority of the games.

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 22

2006-12-02T01:22:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XXIIFor those of you who were relatively certain that I wouldn’t make it all the way through the regular season, ha.I’ve triumphed once again. I must admit, however, that I’m somewhat stymied about how to lead off this week’s Ticker . . . between the fact that Britney Spears has been bankrupted by her divorce lawyer to the extent that she apparently can no longer

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 21

2006-11-28T23:36:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XXI Snow, cold, blurry pictures, Brett Favre . . . when I turned on Monday night’s game, I remembered everything that is right about football. Naturally, it happened a week after I saw Favre get manhandled and on the heels of watching the Bears leave somewhere between six and four billion points on the field in New England. Of course, all this in the

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 20

2006-11-22T01:44:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XXIt is quite appropriate on this week that we remember all that we are thankful for that I am able to produce the big double X version of this fine newsletter. Obviously, as many of you may know, that is because XX is the last Super Bowl dat Da Bears won and dey are a team dat I am thankful for on a daily basis, especially now dat dey have won two games in a row

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 19

2006-11-17T12:25:00.000-05:00

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 18

2006-11-14T13:55:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XVIII So we’ve been watching for 10 weeks now, we’re through all the bye weeks, and what can we conclude, conclusively? I’m going to break it down first by conference, and then highlight all of the 15 teams that are within striking distance of the playoffs. So, in the NFC, only the Bears and the Seahawks (somehow) have any real sense of

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 17

2006-11-10T20:14:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XVII So my computer just spent the last five minutes moving about as slowly as whatever minute amount of brains I have left. You know when you have ideas that you are cognizant of as “really dumb” and then you proceed to undertake them, while warning yourself the whole time that you need to NOT do this, that, or the other in the course of the activity?

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 16

2006-11-08T15:11:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XVI Given that I forsook all of you to pretend that the emerging election numbers were like blackjack cards (and to be quite honest, they’re equally addictive to watch) for an entire evening, I’ve decided to actually try with this edition of the Ticker to summarize the Election Day issues of the greatest importance. I’ll also explain them so that you

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 15

2006-11-03T12:04:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XV One of the great things about being a columnist is the ability to wildly contradict yourself from week to week. Specifically, last week I pointed out that it wasn’t yet Week 10, so you knew – knew – that Peyton Manning wasn’t going to lose that game in Denver no matter what. It just wasn’t going to happen. And, naturally, Mike Shanahan coached

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 14

2006-11-01T02:21:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XIVSo I know this issue is a little bit late, but what can I say, it’s been a long weekend. There were ups (Da Bears, finally winning a week in my confidence pool, USC losing, and then the not-so-baby Bulls putting a whupping on the Heat tonight), downs (RIP Red, a two-day hangover), and the simply absurd (Vick throwing for 3 TDs, hearing the following words: “

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 13

2006-10-27T16:20:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XIIIOpen letter to the Detroit Tigers:Dear Tigers,You stupid $#@$ing #$@#s. I understand that Pudge Rodriguez, Placido Polanco, and Curtis Granderson are playing like they have their heads so far inserted into their rectums that they are trying to evaluate balls and strikes via their belly button, but this “effort” is completely unacceptable. You’re killing your

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 12

2006-10-25T09:19:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XII A lot has been made of the spot on Kenny Rogers’s hand on Sunday night. Maybe more than should have been, given that Tony LaRussa was involved and that, as one insightful columnist pointed out, anyone who thinks that LaRussa didn’t make a bigger deal out of it just because he’s good friends with Jim Leyland is an idiot. Fortunately for

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 11

2006-10-20T15:11:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue XILooking.For seventeen million dollars a year, I could stand at the damn plate and watch Wainwright drop pitches right through the heart of the strike zone. For seventeen million dollars a year, I might consider letting him throw them AT me, provided that there were 8 other guys he had to get through each time before he could plunk me. And I would gladly do it

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 10

2006-10-17T21:30:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue X After a weekend like this last one, well, there’s too much to write about to just pick one topic. So we’re going to go with a list of things since Friday that have just been screaming for my attention.I distinctly heard a CBS announcer declare the following during the Detroit – Buffalo game on Sunday: “Roy Williams is straight balling today.” Note

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 9

2006-10-13T16:19:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue IX Cory Lidle’s death poses problems for me. Not because I like the Yankees, or because I have ever cheered for the late Mr. Lidle. It’s a problem for me on 2 counts: 1) you can’t make jokes about tragedies, and 2) I hate that the media devotes so much extra attention to one group and ignores the rampant majority of experiences that have similar

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 8

2006-10-12T02:39:00.001-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue VIIII’d like to preface this by saying that I know the following comments are a bit long in the tooth by now. But when I wrote them, they weren’t … at least, not until Yahoo! was all screwed up for the first couple hours of Tuesday morning. After that, you plebes all became subject to the mercy of my schedule, which at the moment has not been an overly forgiving

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 8

2006-10-12T02:39:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue VIII I’d like to preface this by saying that I know the following comments are a bit long in the tooth by now. But when I wrote them, they weren’t … at least, not until Yahoo! was all screwed up for the first couple hours of Tuesday morning. After that, you plebes all became subject to the mercy of my schedule, which at the moment has not been an

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 7

2006-10-07T10:46:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue VII So the NHL started up play last night, just in case any of you remember what the sport of hockey is. It’s a Canadian thing, I think, much like curling, except the rolly thingee is smaller and instead of brooms everyone wields sticks. There’s some ice, some pads, and people hit each other. Really, other than the whole “Canadians like this” strike,

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 6

2006-10-03T23:36:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue VI I know you’re all waiting for a long issue in which I extol the virtues of the performance of the Bears on Sunday night. And I could write it. But I don’t really need to, and I am more inclined to agree with Scoop Jackson’s Page 2 article today (find it here: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=jackson/061003). Cris Collinsworth pretty

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 5

2006-09-30T12:59:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue VThe Ticker is abridged this week due to a family wedding and the accompanying hoopla.NFL Picks: Atlanta, San Diego, Minnesota, New Orleans, Houston, San Francisco, Indianapolis, Dallas, St. Louis, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Jacksonville, Chicago, Philadelphia.SOUTHBAY LEAGUEWhere’s Ricky? -4Mulva -8.5TJM Rulers, -2BoomGoesTheDynamite, -3.5The Champ, -6FOOTBALL IS FUN

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 4

2006-09-26T23:51:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue IVI don’t know why I thought that picking Atlanta to win in the SuperDome was a good idea. Really. I’ve had some ridiculous moments of retrospective clarity in my time, but somewhere after I watched the older brother of a good friend from high school block the first Falcons’ punt I suffered a severe case of buyer’s remorse in taking the Falcons as my lock pick

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 3

2006-09-23T01:44:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue III Does anyone else find it interesting that every time ESPN promotes this week’s Monday Night Football matchup they make sure to say that Green Day and U2 are playing, but they “forget” to mention that the Goo Goo Dolls will also be on the bill? I find that to be an interesting phenomenon. I can’t imagine why they aren’t running that as the headline

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 2

2006-09-21T15:07:00.000-05:00

The Tearass Ticker Volume IV Issue II Given how he’s playing, you can expect your local sports radio program to devote the next several weeks to interminable hours of discussion regarding whether or not Ryan Howard should be the National League MVP. Personally, I could go either way on it, especially since right now it’s virtually impossible to tell whether or not the Phillies

The Tearass Ticker, Volume 4 Issue 1

2006-09-18T17:17:00.000-05:00

The Tearass TickerVolume IVIssue IGreetings fantasy managers, fans, and the rest of the idiocracy indubitably bound to get sucked up into this year’s version of The Tearass Ticker! Tommy Tearass here, happy to be starting out our fourth year of tickering on my end, but I wanted to start out with a couple of brief notes to bring you all up to date.In years past, I’ve labored to create separate

Ben Gordon, Rookie of the Year

2005-04-19T22:17:00.000-05:00

I'd love to say MVP, but let's face it - he's not.I will, however, say that he's hands-down the only candidate to seriously consider for the NBA's Rookie of the Year and the Sixth Man of the Year Award. Some thoughts to consider:He leads the NBA in double digit fourth quarters. The man is there when you need him in the clutch.He hits mid-range jumpers (yes, that art form long proclaimed dead)

Published!

2005-03-11T16:52:00.000-05:00

http://www.louderboston.com/shows.htmwoooooo-hoooooo!!!!!!!and you can keep checking back there . . . I have a review of Interpol that should go up sometime in the enxt week or so, and over the course of the next couple weeks will be reviewing a bunch of shows.yo me gusta!

Jon Jurich, Music Critic

2005-03-04T17:20:00.000-05:00

"Jon,Thanks for the review. That was fast! The Flogging Molly show was incredible, a great time as always.I'll take any show review you do, so write up as many as you want, we'll use them. I'll also work on getting some passes for the shows you don't already have tickets for. This shouldn't be a huge problem, I'm sure I can get a few press passes for you.AS for she best clubs story, how would you

The Frames . . .

2005-03-03T01:33:00.000-05:00

Are friggin' amazing. Here's the set list from tonight's show at The Paradise Rock Club:A Caution to the BirdsKeepsakeDream Awake/FinallyLay Me DownWhat Happens When the Heart Just StopsHappySideways DownPavement TuneFakeYour FaceStar StarEncore:RevelateRed CordDevil Townit was incredible.and yes, this is what I do while I'm not writing here. other updates will come soon, and if it doesn't get

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2005-02-18T10:45:00.000-05:00

ESPN's Rumor Central may be the death of me. Honestly.Today it's reporting that Kurt Warner may sign with the Bears. The only consolation I have is that this hype looks like it got generated by Warner's side of things, and not Chicago's. While I am sure the Chicago sports media would love to interact with Mrs. Warner, I don't want her husband anywhere near my team.If these reports keep up, I'll

Announcement

2005-01-26T17:41:00.000-05:00

Let me be as absolutely, utterly and totally clear as I possibly can be on this one: If you read this blog, and you apply to be Bill Simmons' new Intern, and you're not me, and I find out - dead to me will be an understatement.

BBC Brilliance

2005-01-22T11:53:00.000-05:00

This came in my morning update today, and I swear I'm not making this up: "Intelligent young men are less likely to take their own lives than others, researchers have found. Full story: http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/-/2/hi/health/4187881.stm" Ummm . . . duh? I mean, I know self-annihilation ranks right up there on the to-do list of all intelligent world powers . . . oh wait, no it doesn't. Not

The Bulls, Part 1

2005-01-19T22:01:00.001-05:00

You know, funnily enough, the other day I was reminiscing about how long it had been since high school. I have since concluded that the saddest part about my reminiscenses directly involves the finally re-emerging Bulls. Until tonight, when they tried to help out tsunami victims by proffering up a seemingly endless string of fourth quarter bricks as they gave the game away to the Celtics, the

Patriots Win Super Bowl!

2005-01-16T20:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, so maybe one could argue that it's slightly premature to make this assertion. I doubt it, however. 20-3??? With a banged up secondary? Against the fourth best offense in recorded history? Makes the Patriots unquestionably one of the best teams ever. Those of you in doubt, wait one week - the Pats will put up at least 20 points next week in Pittsburgh while the Belichick schemes make

From the Tearass Files: Things I Wrote, 11/30/04

2005-01-16T19:50:00.000-05:00

Well, they say that Week 10 is when the NFL season starts. I’m relatively sure this one may have been over by then, but three weeks later, here’s my take on the breakdown in the NFL. Dead: Bears, 49ers, Saints, Lions, Redskins, Cowboys, Panthers, Giants, Dolphins, Bengals, Browns, Bills, Texans, Titans, Raiders, Chiefs. Yes, I know that some of these teams have played well in recent weeks,

Ray LaMontagne

2005-01-16T02:23:00.000-05:00

For starters - my buddy Drew is the one who clued me in to this guy. Credit must be given where due. For seconds - I saw him live. Ha ha Drew. (There's a cool story to this, too - the show had sold out and I randomly came across a couple who sold me one of their extra tickets, and then I was able to attract the attention of a girl who had been waiting for 3 hours to find an extra ticket to buy

The Beltrans' Fiasco

2005-01-09T22:13:00.000-05:00

7 years for 119 million dollars - and the best part about the entire Beltran mess is not that he got a great deal for hitting a hot streak at the right time, and it's not that the Yankees didn't get him, and even the Cubs' fan in me that's happy to see Houston eat it isn't the best part. It's that no one will hear from Carlos Beltran again for at least two years. I'll grant you, people will eye

Al Leiter

2004-12-08T14:18:00.000-05:00

You know what makes me sad about Al Leiter signing with the Marlins? It means that his broadcast career is yet another year away. Don't get me wrong, I love Rick Sutcliffe (I have to - former Cub), but there was nothing better in the ALDS and ALCS than Al Leiter's commentary. By the end of it all, I was getting the impression that if it weren't for the fact that he was watching history, he might

Nomar, Clement and Walker

2004-12-07T17:43:00.000-05:00

Well, today the Cubs signed Nomar Garciaparra to a one year deal (8 mil, options up to 11 mil) and offered Matt Clement arbitration, which means we'll at least get a draft pick for him if we don't resign him. That's smart, and I'll take it. They also resigned Todd Walker to a one year, two million dollar deal. But it makes me really antsy for the upcoming Winter Meetings to get underway so that

Preamble

2004-10-30T01:28:00.000-05:00

Obviously, every good document requires a preamble. So here's mine: I, me, believing in me and my opinions on things as humorous, have endeavored to set up a way to share these amusements with all. Hopefully you'll find some of it funny, if not poignant and applicable. Everything else . . . let's consider it one of those "let the buyer beware" type of deals. Henceforth, here we go.