What's that smell?

Tommy is on the road, has cougars on his mind, and went 2-11 last week. That's the unmistakable stench of a cheap cigarette, dollar-store perfume, and a glass of Early Times or Ol' Granddad on the rocks...in other words, the stench of a cougar...who works a street corner.

How else do you explain a 2-11 week? The number and alcohol content of the drinks that lead to such an evening...and the morning (of picking football) after, had to have been one for the ages.

Let's break it down:

Broncos (+3) over Ravens: The Broncos came off a bye week and got throttled on the road by the Ravens. Kyle Orton looked decidedly pedestrian, and with the schedule ahead and competition for the two wild card spots, fans in Denver can't be blamed for nervously looking over their shoulder to see where San Diego is. 0-1.

Browns (+13) over Bears: So the Browns take a Bengals team to the last two minutes of OT before losing...a Bengals team that crushed the Bears last weekend...and then manage one TD in losing 30-6 against the Bears? The only thing more confusing than that string of comparisons is that Brady Quinn somehow isn't getting snaps over the worthless, veteran, Joey Harrington...er Derek Anderson. 0-2.

Texans (-3.5) over Bills: If the Bills' recent mini-surge looked too good to be true, it's because it was. They will lose to any football team that is at least decent. (And yes, that's an indictment of the Jets.) There are two things to note about this game: It was one of Tommy's two wins (and hence why it's in bold) and the Texans' TE Owen Daniels blew an ACL and is done for the season. Daniels was the hottest TE in the league and was raking fantasy points for me.

Now, after his bye week, it's Zach Miller Time. But for this week, it's John Carlson. Fuck. Me. 1-2.

Packers (+3) over Falcons (Falcons? Huh? Oh, you mean the other team about 1200 miles Northwest that also plays in a dome...Yeah, it must have been a rough night.): While I was out in Minneapolis last weekend, I saw a Packers fan dressed up in orange hunting pants, a Favre jersey, a noose around his neck, and a will that left his "middle finger" to Brett Favre.

As it ends up, Favre gave Green Bay the twin-bird this season, beating them twice. The only good to come out of this game was that Aaron Rodgers won one of my fantasy matchups. 1-3.

Colts (-13) over Niners: Iron Mike had his boys play Indianpolis tough. It's tough to say that there are moral victories in football, but if the Niners can take a lead into the 4th quarter against the Colts and hold Indy's offense to 18 points, then they should have every reason to believe they can win the cesspool that is the NFC West.

Thirteen points is a lot to give on the road--especially after the Niners hung with Houston last week. Oops. 1-4.

Jets (-3.5) over Fins: The Jets are not a good football team. Miami isn't either, but the relative strength of its running game (Ricky Williams is quietly having a solid year) to anything the Jets can put on the field should be enough to take Miami and points against any other mediocre team. That and Chad Henne isn't going to get the chance to fuck a game up, unless he's bad at Madden, because he might as well manage the game with a PS3 controller. 1-5.

Lions (-4) over Rams: The Lions are awful. The Rams are awful. The Rams are no longer winless. Someone got points against Detroit, and you didn't take the points? I'd have taken most Michigan high schools and points against the Lions. 1-6.

Cowboys (-9.5) over Seaducks: The Cowboys' offense is rolling, even if the only thing Roy Williams learned from TO is how to whine to the media about the balls Tony Romo throws him...and the Seahawks aren't any good. On the road, I would've been skeptical about the Cowboys giving 9.5, but at home, this was an easy decision, and not surprisingly one of the two Tommy got right.

With the Giants' mid-season defensive collapse that is costing me fantasy matchups, the Cowboys' offense looks like a force in an overrated NFC East. 2-6.

Oh--it's all L's the rest of the way.

Chargers (-16.5 ?!?!?) over Raiders: I left the "?!" in there because this line didn't make sense to me either. Apparently Vegas thought that the Chargers' offense was going to play two halves. Little did they know that Tom Cable was threatening to "choke a bitch Wayne Brady style" if the Chargers didn't let the Raiders make it look respectable.

Philip Rivers, the committed feminist that he is, had watched Outside the Lines and took Cable's threat seriously, causing him to take the second half off, shifting the feeling of asphyxiation from an innocent woman to anyone in Vegas who bet on San Diego. 2-7.

Jags (+3) over Titans: Tennessee won a football game. And they covered. Handily. Perhaps the terrorist plot was foiled. But really, it's more a case of: Jacksonville: Bad. Tennessee: A team you don't want to touch with a 30 foot pole made out of Benjamins. 2-8.

Cardinals (-10) over Panthers: The Cardinals' run defense has to be absolute dogshit. Jake Delhomme completed 7 of 14 passes for 90 yards and a TD, and the Panthers still won handily. Fortunately, the Panthers have a great RB and a very good one, or DeAngelo Williams' legs would still end the season in worse shape than Jake Delhomme's confidence.

Which, by the numbers, is at risk of falling into Ryan Leaf territory. This game almost gives Bears fans something to look forward to for this week's matchup against the Cardinals...but the Bears have no offensive line, so running the ball is sadly not a real option. If only the Bears could play a team that would throw the ball 14 times...their secondary could use a week of not being exposed.

Chalk Larry Fitzgerald up for 2 TD's and Warner for 280+ yards. And Tommy up for another loss. 2-I've lost count.

Giants (-1) over Eagles: Three weeks ago, Sarah Palin, Dick Army, and Dick Cheney endorsed the Giants' defense as the right choice for New York. It then failed to win key matchups, looking too conservative during most of them.

The Eagles are proving that "little fast guy" is a job description, and that an offense can be built around "little fast guys" that are interchangeable parts. Imagine what the Eagles could do with Darren Sproles, or even Tim Dwight in his prime.

Maybe the Bears can trade Garret Wolfe to the Eagles for a first round draft pick. Oh? It's "Good little fast guys." Gotcha. Chalk up a win for former Pitt Panther Shady McCoy and the Eagles--and another loss for Tommy. 2-10.

Saints (-10.5) over Falcons: Even though the Falcons didn't beat the Saints, they showed the only way a team can realistically beat them: run the ball well enough to keep the Saints' offense off the field--and score TD's from the running game. It's a tall task against a surprisingly good Saints defense, but the Falcons did it well enough to cover...and keep the game interesting until the end.

Meanwhile, the Saints offense proved why it's the most fun offense to watch week in and week out.

2-11. I hope the cougar was worth every dollar. And I would imagine a similarly bad confidence pool left you swimming with Jake Delhomme...you know, face down in the pool, in such bad shape that not even the pool boy will pretend that he knows you.