The Ticker: Week 7 - Cougar Attack!

Every now and then I dip into the college realm just for fun. This week? The Big Ten!

(Keep reading. Please? I promise the entire conference isn’t as crappy as you think. I’ll keep it focused to one really bad quarterback and one leading team.)

Particularly in the wake of the loss to Purdue last week, the radio waves in Columbus were deluged with calls for Terrelle Pryor to be moved to receiver, for Tressel to be fired, or for Mo Clarett to be freed from jail and his eligibility purchased from the NCAA. I couldn’t see last week’s game, so I’ve spent part of my morning watching Ohio State play Minnesota. As halftime approaches, I can’t tell if the announcers hate Pryor or not. One of them just said, “Tressel says [Pryor]’s making progress, and he is, but we just can’t see it on the field.” Bob Griese then helpfully pointed out that Ohio State never asks Pryor to throw the ball inside the hash marks except on a deep post. This, my friends, is change we can believe in.

Here’s my Pryor prediction: he will not be Ohio State’s starting quarterback by Week 5 of next year.

Now, for a good team: the Iowa Cougars, err, I mean, Hawkeyes. Let me explain my confusion.
The Hawkeyes remind me of a 44-year old cougar on the prowl. They are not attractive (if this team really were a woman, I’d put them at 5’6” and 165 with less than perfect teeth and nails stained by nicotine), and at any given point their big plays seem to surprise them as much as they do me. They look like a team playing with about 80% of past potential, but they are well-coached enough to make up for lack of ability with trickery. Once they learn your weakness, you succumb to them more readily, and they don’t rely on wooing you all themselves; they are content to let you make a few mistakes, take a few shots you don’t need, and then you wake up to the smell of wine and cheap perfume.

Look at the Iowa season: escape from Northern Iowa by blocking two potential game-tying extra points to start things off. Ugly.

Pummel Iowa State, a Big 12 team whose value will really only be calculable after Oklahoma State gets done pummeling them in two weeks.

Beat mediocre Arizona team at home.

Go into Happy Valley and throttle Penn State. Things to remember: Iowa beat Penn State last year to derail Penn State’s unbeaten season. This makes the Nittany Lions a past conquest, and I think we all know that once you’ve tasted the forbidden fruit of your local cougar, it’s easy to slide out of the bar with her again.

Control a game at home against Arkansas State, but only manage to win by 3. Arkansas State, since you are likely unfamiliar with it, is in Jonesboro, Arkansas. I’ve been there. I won’t be going back. I also can’t tell you what conference Arkansas State is in.
Hold off Michigan at home, winning by two points in a game they were favored by eight. Michigan is a good team, and in a year or two they will probably be a great team. For now, though, this was a game that seemed to show Iowa’s stretch marks.
Outscore Wisconsin 17-0 in the second half while taking advantage of Wisconsin QB Dave Tolzien’s inevitable turnovers and converting a third and long by throwing a touchdown on the scramble. It’s another quality road win, but when you add all this together you have two good road wins, one easy win, and four games where this team looks like you’re seeing them the morning after.

Tonight they are going into East Lansing to take on Sparty & Friends, another team that is unbeaten in Big 10 play and sneaky good. The Spartans are 2 point favorites, which probably means that Iowa is heading to 8-0.

The secret to Iowa is their defense and special teams, which generally win the field position battle and force their opponents to go the length of the field. I can’t decide if this is like having an Amex Black card or a set of really hot twenty-something friends that distract all of the prey’s friends, but it’s one or the other. And it works. Opponents come in, think to themselves, “I’m better than that,” and then find themselves alone, cornered, and making nervous mistakes that lead to disaster: drinking too fast, turning the ball over, and convincing themselves they have what it takes to handle the situation.

By the way, when they play someone in the Rose Bowl in January, um, don’t bet on Iowa.

On to this week’s picks:

Bye Week (-7) over TITANS: BG took my column. I’m still getting in a joke. And given the Tennessee fan’s reaction to Jeff Fisher wearing a Peyton Manning jersey earlier this week, I think there’s an easy cover here.

Chargers (-5.5) over CHEFS: Does the Chefs effort against Dallas mean that Arrowhead’s magic is being reborn? I don’t know, but I also don’t expect the Chargers to give up two special teams touchdowns.

Colts (-14) over RAMS: “STL-Avery, Martin both Questionable STL-multiple injuries in secondary.” Even if Peyton’s knee isn’t 100% healthy, the Colts will be covering before they pull him.

BENGALS (-1) over Bears: I’m not picking the Bears again until they are getting more points or they actually play one entire game on both sides of the ball. I’m also terrified by the 3 receivers the Bengals can split out against Chicago’s one viable cornerback. While I’m on the subject, Zack Bowman has been a huge letdown for the Bears this season; they had hoped he would provide another legitimate cornerback and he has instead left them switching Peanut Tillman from side to side locked onto the opponent’s top receiver. I don’t like Bowman’s chances against Chris Henry.

Packers (-9) over BROWNS: If I didn’t like this enough already, the Browns have had 6 starters battling the flu all week. Yes, please.

Vikings (+6) over STEELERS: With no real adverse weather expected, I think the Vikings keep this close. Jeff Reed is probably drunk right now, too, so he’s good for at least one missed field goal to help the dogs cover. Then he will make a game winner.

Patriots (-15) over BUCS: Good team. Bad team.

Niners (+3) over TEXANS: Matt Schaub just had a good week, so he’s probably due for a bad one. Honestly, I have no idea what to expect from the Texans anymore. They terrify me. Just stay away from this game. Niners get back Frank Gore and debut Michael Crabtree; one of them matters, one doesn’t. Go Iron Mike.

Jets (-6) over RAIDERS: The Jets won’t miss as many tackles as the Eagles did last week. And yes, I’m bitter with the Raiders for winning last week.

PANTHERS (-7) over Bills: I tried to talk myself into taking Ryan Fitzgerald on the road getting seven points after he came into the game and helped the Bills beat the Jets. I couldn’t do it. The Panthers have remembered they have two good running backs. Expect to see heavy doses of them.

DOLPHINS (+6.5) over Saints: New Orleans is winning this game, but the Dolphins are not going to lose by a lot when they control the clock and run the Wildcat.

Cardinals (+7) over GIANTS: After last week, does Arizona still have the best wide receiving corps, or did New Orleans’ destruction of the Giants elevate a new group to the throne? (Not that Fitzgerald isn’t the best receiver, but as a group, I’ll take Colston and co. because they use their hands, make tough catches, and have the best quarterback in the conference. I think the Giants win this game, but I think they have to make it ugly.

Eagles (-7) over REDSKINS: How bad are the ‘Skins? So bad that I’m taking Philly giving points the week after that turd sandwich of a game in Oakland. Sigh.