Mediocre is as .500 Does

First off--have you tried a Hass avacodo Tommy?

Because I'm pretty sure your heart is going to wish you had in about 30 years. (Don't worry, I'm only giving myself 24.)

My LCS picks: Angels in 6, Phillies in 5.

And can we get an independent scorekeeper's ruling? I had Tommy at 5-9 last week--he had himself at 6-8. The record must be set straight!

The mediocre stayed painfully mediocre this week with pocket 7's. Let's break it down:

Vikings (-10) over RAMS: Never in doubt. But two good pieces of news for Rams fans: Rush Limbaugh was dropped from the group that he was a part of, trying to purchase the Rams, and second, the Blues are playing again. (But they come to Pittsburgh this week--so sorry about that.) 1-0

Cowboys (-8.5) over CHIEFS: As soon as this one went to OT, it was over for the spread. The Chiefs hung around despite a monster game from Miles Austin. The Cowboys D is, apparently, that bad, and the Chiefs show a little feistiness. 1-1

Redskins (+3.5) over PANTHERS: Vegas had this one dead-on. The half a point tilts this one to the W column. Two good things came from this: both teams are one game closer to ending their season, and Carolina no longer has to be talked about in the same sentence as Tennessee. 2-1

EAGLES (-15) over Buccaneers: I have to admit that I blinked when I saw this spread. But a semi-healthy McNabb, with speedy receivers, is too big of a force against a bad defense and a team with a QB who I still can't name. Not a hard call in hindsight. 3-1

NY GIANTS (-15) over Raiders: Hitting an assistant coach isn't the biggest reason the Raiders coach should be in jail. If the wardens put him in charge of coaching the inmates, the longest yard would become the longest 4th and forever. This was an incredibly easy survivor pick--I looked at the Giants schedule and said "yes please." 4-1

Browns (+6) over BILLS: Browns, on road. Two phrases that make this decision suspect, but it was a good call. This game will go down as one of the 5 worst NFL games of the decade--maybe even ever. The US government is also considering annexing Lake Erie's southern shore to Canada. Perhaps Rush Limbaugh could purchase a brand new CFL team, not that these teams would win anything in the 'true north strong and free.' 5-1

RAVENS (-8.5) over Bengals: Oops. I think you're right about the Packers, but the Bengals are a tough team. They have a solid o-line, and Cedric Benson is resurrecting his career. Carson Palmer is also making incredibly clutch throws at the end of games. Anytime the Bengals get more than a TD, I think you have to take them. 5-2

Steelers (-10.5) over LIONS: "Yup. Mmhmm. Largely." The last time someone said that to you, there was great disappointment. And so there was for the people who bet on the Steelers. 5-3

49ERS (-2.5) over Falcons: Nobody saw this game being a huge blowout--but if you didn't take the Falcons and points with them coming off a bye week, you should have your head examined. The first test should be shining a flashlight through one ear, because I promise you that the light is coming out the other.

Bettors who pay attention to bye weeks win. 5-4.

BRONCOS (+3) over Patriots: What a game to watch. The Broncos are 5-0, Kyle Orton's neckbeard looks like a Pro-Bowl neckbeard, and Bellichik had to swallow his pride. The only thing not to like about this game is that Tommy got it right. 6-4.

Texans (+5.5) over CARDINALS: I don't understand either team too, but Arizona covered. Games where either QB could be brilliant or awful are impossible to pick. But still, you lose. 6-5.

Jaguars (<-4.5/8.5) over SEADUCKS: After this game, there's only one conclusion: NEVER BET ON A GAME INVOLVING EITHER TEAM THIS SEASON. 6-6

In honor of the green and blue's shutout, I give you the Brass Bonanza. (It's catchy.)

Colts (-3.5) over TITANS: I hope your winnings from this game covered the trip. I fell asleep during the game, and I wouldn't have blamed anyone in attendance for doing the same.

So--when are you going to invite me to one of these weekends? Your stories about them almost seem interesting. 7-6

Jets (-2) over DOLPHINS: Chad Henne to Tommy Tearass: FUCK YOU. Jets D:Bills D is more like Mike's Hard Lemonade:Boone's Farm.

7-7. After hitting the mean last week, there's no nowhere left for Tommy to regress. Between .500 weeks, and his stories of NFL weekends, this blog is about to replace Tylenol PM as prescriptions for insomnia.

That is until I write next week's column.