Week 2 reminded me of some of my less-endearing social performances: there are a few troubling signs at first, like when all of a sudden you notice that your first four beers have gone down faster than the waitress could bring them (or, in this case, Chris Johnson having 28 fantasy points after the first quarter and discovering the Texans were still in the game); then a couple shots (Ochocinco’s Lambeau Leap, seeing
on the bottom line ticker that Seneca Wallace was Seattle’s leading passer); a few drinks where you find yourself almost puking but somehow holding it down (Jeff Reed, Ray Ray); and then the barrage of late night drinks when you think you have your second wind that lead to you crawling home and everyone agreeing that you just making it home counts as a victory (Colts).
I probably should have known from the night before that nothing was going to go remotely well on Sunday – there was the Irish Escape in South Bend (yes, they made a play . . . a snap or two after Michigan State missed a wide open man in the end zone for the game winner – honestly, he was so open I thought Nathan Vasher must have blown another assignment (by the way, other candidates for this punch line included Dallas, Miami, Tennessee, and New England)); USC’s defense (their real strong point) letting UW receivers find huge holes deep down the field; oh, and did I mention that it’s Week 2 of the NFL season? I once wrote this for Week 2. That was the first time I had to have my kneecaps reconstructed.
About the only good thing that happened while I was watching the Patriots play terribly against the Jets while the rest of the NFL entered a bizarre otherworld was that I kept thinking: “Hey, this means the Bears really do have a chance!”
All in all, I was not surprised to learn Bobblehead Gump was inserting sombrero photos into his review of my Week 2 picks. Since my thoughts on what happened appeared in notes that require greater levels of reconstructive surgery than some of my Vegas columns, however, I’ve just inserted them into the picks.
As with the above analogy, however, the solution appears to be the hair of the dog. So I’ve put together another week’s worth of advice you probably shouldn’t take, but first I’d like to take a moment to congratulate one of the Tearass Ticker’s original punching bags, Mr. Brian Burbrink, on his recent engagement. There’s a nice big bag of mixed greens heading your way, good sir.
(RANDOM SIDEBAR: There’s nothing I really can’t stand more than people who think that if they checked in to the airport that they can wait until the very last second to waltz onto the plane . . . “We were here and checked in like, at least an hour early and even though the boarding time was half an hour ago we have until the time the flight leaves to get on and we were in the restaurant and we didn’t hear any pages that the plane was leaving . . . .” Get on the plane early, dickheads. Dinner will wait. This is what you all get when I write in an airport.)
JETS (-3) over Titans: I’m not trying to say Sanchez is as good as Schaub. Just that the Jets defense right now is better than Tennessee’s has played, and gets more consistent pressure on the quarterback. Having seen the telecast of the game, that Jets’ crowd was loud. Really loud. Louder than crowds in this era (after the price-out phenomena Simmons has noted many times) generally get unless their stadium is engineered to focus all sound on the field. But there is something endearing about being able to understand “Bra-dy sucks!” through the television because it is clear. This outcome concerns me, however, as I do not want to have to spend the rest of my travels hearing Skip Bayless rant on First Take that Vince Young should start for Tennessee.
Jags (+3.5) over TEXANS: Last week, I talked about two lines doing weird things, and then I lost for going against them. This week, this line is doing the same thing (although more subtly). That said, I’m ignoring common sense (again) because of how susceptible Houston was to big runs, Jacksonville’s eventual ability to slow Arizona, and because I strongly object to giving more than 3 points in an AFC South matchup. But given the defenses here, I kind of like the over (47).
EAGLES over Chiefs (OFF): I am unsure why this is off, but I suspect it doesn’t say much about Kansas City. Let’s play it like a pick’em.
RAVENS (-13) over Browns: How long until Eric Mangini gets booed in Cleveland? I can’t even think of a reason the Browns could win this game (listens for stampede of people going to take Cleveland on the moneyline).
Giants (-6.5) over BUCS: 98% of the world thinks the Giants cover, and the line has gone down half a point on the road favorite. Another high-bet, line drops game. WTF? But can you blame me? Do you want to put your money on Raheem Morris’s ability as a coach? I won’t even put my reputation on it.
LIONS (+6.5) over Redskins: I actually considered the Lions to win this game outright after what happened last week for the Skins. Not because I think the Lions are good, but because I think the Redskins are reverting to the mean and heading on the road against a team trying not to go oh and three million in this millenium. Sooner or later, the Lions will win . . . they’re just waiting to destroy a bunch of suicide pools when they do it.
Packers (-6.5) over RAMS: Things that baffled me about Green Bay losing last week: 1) they lost at Lambeau; 2) to Cincinnati; and 3) with the game ending on the runoff from a false start penalty! All that said, sooner or later Greg Jennings will start catching passes again (or Rodgers will just stop throwing to him), and they’re playing the Rams, who can be beaten with the mighty field goal.
Niners (+6.5) over VIKINGS: Yes, it helped San Francisco that playing for the Seahawks apparently causes your body to become brittle and easily broken. They still pushed the ‘Ducks around, ran well, and made tackles. This team hits. My big hesitation in making this pick (aside from the fact that A.D.A.P. is playing for the Vikings): Shaun Hill is not good when plays break down, and the Cheating Williams Sisters play for Minnesota. Iron Mike! Iron Mike!
Falcons (+4) over PATRIOTS: Matt Ryan is better than Mark Sanchez, and the Patriots are still without real linebackers to cover Tony Gonzalez. This game likely will turn into a shootout, though, so that 46.5 looks a little low. Also, having gotten to watch a full game of him (don’t ask why I couldn’t see him play Buffalo . . . honestly, how did I stay at the one place in America with no cable?), Brady is still a couple weeks away.
Bears (-2) over SEAHAWKS: In Week 1, the Bears lost because of bad special teams and miscommunication between Cutler and his receivers. In Week 2, they won because Pittsburgh had poor special teams and Cutler didn’t miscommunicate with his receivers. In Week 1, the Seahawks beat the Rams, but weren’t stellar against the run. In Week 2, they dropped like flies and really weren’t stellar against the run. So, basically, this comes down to crowd noise, and I think the Bears can take the crowd out of the game. If the Bears win, the McCaskey family owes Iron Mike a gift basket for his team beating the tar out of the Seattle starters.
Saints (-6) over BILLS: At this point, the Saints are going to have to give more than a touchdown to the majority of the NFL before I start picking against them.
Dolphins (+5.5) over CHARGERS: Another weird line. Here’s what I’m taking from it – Miami’s Wildcat is expected to work against the Chargers. I think the Chargers can probably win this game, but I think it ends up being closer than it needs to. Or maybe they’ll lose. Norv Turner seemed to have the division locked up when the season started because of how bad we expected the AFC West to be, so San Diego apparently can’t start playing well until Denver has a magic number of 2. Fun times in the Whale’s Vagina.
Steelers (-4) over BENGALS: Yet another line drop game despite heavy pro-Steelers action. But I didn’t see the Green Bay game, so I have no idea how much weight to put on the Bengals win. At first glance, it concerned me. I decided to go with the Steelers just because Ced Benson had his 100 yard game last week, so he’s due for 20 carries of running for a yard and falling down untouched.
Broncos (-1.5) over RAIDERS: Josh McBride’s team is 2-0. You heard me. He got rid of a bunch of players, brought in people who would run his system, and it just so happens that his system happened to be one of the most prolific offenses ever. When you remember the Denver corners are kind of good and JaMarcus Russell is real bad, I start wondering if the Broncos have a fight song I should know about.
CARDINALS (-2.5) over Colts: Indy’s defense is not good. The Cardinals isn’t, really, either, but there’s no way Indy gets to 3-0 playing like that. Or so says me.
Panthers (+8.5) over COWBOYS: When was the last time you remember thinking, “The Giants have good receivers?” post-CheddarPlax? Two weeks in a row the middle tier of the Cowboys zones has been completely open and people have run free. I suspect Tony Romo will avoid throwing three more interceptions, but I think that at the end of this game Cowboys’ fans will be consoling themselves about how last week was a fluke, the answer to the Aflac trivia question in 20 years about who the Cowboys beat first in their stadium will be the Panthers, and the following clip will show Nick Folk kicking the game-winning field goal. Hopefully with a clip of the Giants winning the week before.
Last week: 6-10
Season: 15-17
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